He makes beautiful things

I had a tough night last night. Actually, I have been having a tough time lately. It's hard for me to have a full house. I crave peace. I crave silence. I desire time to myself and I desire time alone with my husband. Now that we have four people under our roof, quiet moments are rare. It makes me want to escape. I am reading Under the Tuscan Sun right now (so incredibly different than the movie, by the way). They buy a home named Bramasole, which means "yearning for the sun" (and how I am yearning for the sun right now!). In a chapter I read last night, the author talks about going for hours without the need to speak, and sitting all morning on a terrace with coffee and a book and a view. It sounds like a glorious escape. 

But then, I think, I don't want to escape. What I want is to change. I don't like me this way. I don't like my impatience or my selfishness or my tired spirit. I hate that it is so hard for me to love unconditionally and sacrificially without anything in return. On most days, this is the way God loves me — with nothing in return. Why then, is it so difficult for me to do the same for his other children? I feel broken and utterly disappointed in myself. I went to sleep last night feeling like a hopeless mess, and woke this morning feeling the same.

And then I went to Chapel today. How grateful am I to work at a University where I am allowed and encouraged to spend part of my day worshiping and learning. Our speaker, Joy Moore, talked about how as Christ followers, our lives are about living before telling, and doing before speaking. Jesus, she reminded us, always acted before He spoke, and when He spoke, He merely explained what He had already demonstrated. Awesome. This is exactly where I am feeling like a wreck. Her words fly straight into the core of me. But then (always a "but") she asks, "How can we do that?" And her answer? "Because Jesus isn't lying in a grave… He is making lumps of clay images of holiness." Sweet, sweet hope. Jesus rose. He lives. He is in me and slowly (so slowly) he is making me new. Then we sang a gorgeous song by Gungor (Beautiful Things Video).

The chorus:

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new


And then we walked out of the church to a tree newly covered in gorgeous fluffy pink spring blossoms. Another reminder of God's ability to make things new. Thank you Jesus, that you have plans to transform this 'lump of clay' that is me.